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24 June 2020 @ 11:10 pm
I am my own self human being.
I believe in freedom and free thinking.
I believe in global evolution.
I believe resources are readily available and that they have been plundered.
I believe we can regenerate things without abusing nature.
I believe in my own personal heaven.
I believe we're all individuals, but still connected.
I encourage unity in humankind.
I believe consciousness makes us who we are.
I believe in moving forward.
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10 May 2017 @ 01:10 am
Hey, it's me Lain, Alain now Buscano. Live and in LJ. Lols, so much for half moving on from that show.

Anyway, life has been in a fast track motion for me. I gave birth 3 months after the wedding in an intensely unbelievable caesarian section. I couldn't accept I would undergo a major surgery as I've never had before. I strongly wanted to deliver normally. Like I had been expecting, I wanted to feel the force, the pain, the suffering, the wolf cries of a mother. But I didn't want to take the other choice. It would have been too risky and I would have regretted forever. So whatever I had to undergo through, it had to happen. I felt the intense pain after the anesthesia left my body though. And I would not talk about it anymore. All I cared for was when I saw his face. The world seemed to stop. Nothing else mattered but him. I took him in my arms and felt like everything was right for the very first time in my life. He's complete. He's hungry and crying. He's okay.

I wanted to give everything he needed. So I did my best to ignore the pain. It took all of my power and will to provide what he needed- milk. I couldn't afford to give him the other option. So even though everything bled and hurt, I knew I was giving him the golden liquid, atleast until I came back to work.

Work. I thought I would be satisfied being a QA Analyst since I've been wanting it when I was an agent. But when I returned and gained enough strength to try something new, I got interested to become a trainer. Even though I know for a fact that I am so not good in teaching. So here I am, feeling overwhelmed that I survived a class. I guess I will never be the best one. Maybe I could be better. Having different people in control takes a lot of hard work and firmness. Needless to say, the pressure is enough to stress you out. But handling these people can teach you myriad of things as well. From icebreakers to counselling. I mean, ain't it dumb that I had to be righteous?? lol

I guess all I wanna say in this awfully long entry is, one way or another, we have to survive. Maybe I am just fortunate I have people who care and to care about. Maybe it's just a random of things connected/disconnected that showed me the meaning of life. And that it is wonderful, a lot of things in store. You could be enlightened, and/or enlighten others. It's a lot of stones ready for you to pick up to keep or throw away.

Yes, I am happy and breathing. There will still be times I feel like suffocating, but I guess my choices in life turned me to always search for holes to get some air. Enough to move on and make life worthy.

11 July 2016 @ 09:26 am
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

-Martin Luther King Jr.

Last night Jon and I caught a documentary on CNN. Before on normal Sunday nights before dinner, it's either I would catch a couple of comedy shows at home or would be strolling in the mall or somewhere with him or friends. He dominates the tv more because he's usually selective. But I was glad we stayed and watched it together. It's something that would touch you and make you feel you're still luckier than a lot of other people. I think it's very selfish to say that. But anyway, I think we gathered the main part of the story which is about the Israeli-Palestine Parents Circle, primarily focusing on trying to make a change to Palestinian people who was devasteted by relentless wars and was succumbed to fear, loss of trust and hate. A group of volunteers had an idea to build a small soccer field for children to play. But prior to that the representatives of Parents Circle crossed the border of the Palestine to have a dialogue with them as part of their aim for peace and change. There was this one Israeli bomb survivor who lost his daughter because of Palestinian Bomb suicides. He expressed how angry and vengeful he was for a very long time. But then realised nothing will come out of it if it continues. And so he initiated peace talks to different people and talked to the small community out of hate and war. There were very young audiences in the dialogue; neighbors who became families for those who have lost so much. It was sad to hear their stories. They said they can't believe in peace until they see it and advised the man to tell it to the government. The Israeli man tried to explain it would take forever if they wait for the government. Respect and love should start within themselves. If more people like them will express it, then there's a much bigger chance to stop all the violence. You could see the heavy burden they carry through their eyes. Neither of the groups wanted for anything like that to happen. The dialogue ended with both parties shaking hands and smiling. Could they really spark the change?

Later part of the show it was revealed that the Palestinian elders in the community changed their minds and the Israeli Government did not want to allow the Israeli kids to enter the border and play with the Palestinian children. Their reason was if they are not allowed to enter the Israel, then so is the other side. It would be very unsafe if they continue. It could be terrible. I was frustrated myself. They are just kids. Why can't they be given the freedom to play and meddle with others? Would it hurt to have them exhaust their heavy burden in mere soccer play? Should the tension of others pass it amongst these innocent kids? But then I am not in their situation. I am not in their country. I am not brave enough to influence people to change their hearts and minds. I felt sad the goal was not met in the documentary. However, I felt the sincerity and compassion of those people. They decided to go on with their lives. They had experienced suffering, inequality and injustice. They carry on.

The soccer field was built but not useless. It put smiles to the Palestinian kids and hope. Hope that one day, they could meddle freely with others without any worry.
04 July 2016 @ 10:40 am
I have dreamt of a fully prepared, organized and elegant wedding. I think I mentioned to my best friend it will be either in a beach or garden- surrounded by flowers and sun. All my close friends and family will be there. I will be at my happiest and most beautiful state, and my groom will be the most gorgeous man alive at that time.

I have imagined it but never knew how I would feel it.

The Sunday last week made me feel it. I didn't experience the heat of the sun with the smell of sand.
I didn't walk in the greenery and blossom of my favorite flowers. I was not the most beautiful bride and my groom seemed disheveled. But few of my close friends and family were there. The flowers were laid alongside the short red carpet. I held a little bouquet in my short flimsy white dress. My favorite love song was played while I was walking. I found my love waiting and smiling in his coat with the golden bow tie I chose for him even if he felt awkward on it at first. I didn't know how the whole ceremony would go because I was just briefed shortly about it. It was all spontaneous and sudden like. But I didn't care. For me it was the simplest yet exquisite form. I didn't see anything else but how we ended up at the church where I first felt there's really Something greater above. Everything seems cloudy and in motion. I felt like I was doing something right for the first time. I let the tears roll down. I heard his vow like it's never ending. I watched how our families try to control their emotions and accept us.

And the most important of all, we were with our baby in the sacred union of our love. We've almost done everything with him in the past few months, inside of me. I was at my happiest, euphoric state.

All I hope for is the strength and resilience to build and keep my own family whole and healthy. I don't want them to stray away, physically and emotionally. As I have witnessed it in my own eyes. We may not be the richest and luckiest. But I would make them feel all the love in the world, so they can share and spring love in their own hearts. Soon we'll be apart. But whatever I have and I can, I will give to them. Because that stays. Memories, happiness, and love.

And as I embark on this new journey I tried to look back and realised I didn't regret everything that took place in my life.
The decisions, places, and people I met, including you, are all part of my choices and chances that
shaped who I am and what I can be. Thank you, for sharing a bit of your time with me.
Out in the openCollapse )
11 April 2016 @ 09:05 pm
i think atticus finch is a sham. he's too righteous to be true. too good and too just. but ofcourse that's the reason he's in a fiction story.

jon wants to get married. it was already a long time ago idea he proposed when we were just a month old acquaintance. i told him he just wants me to be a slave. to be screamed on. to be commanded. to be ashamed of. and even if he is not inclined to drinking he will eventually go home drunk everytime blurting out his frustrations and angst from his deepest darkest heart. and then he held my hand, smiled and touched my face with a sort of promise i would like to trust and believe in. he said the only reason he postpones it is because he wants me to make sure of my heart and mind.


And I wanted to be sure. I wanted everything to be perfect even though i know there isn't a word. I'm just a woman who desires the common things women want. And I have made up my mind: ready or not ready, I will venture the unknown. I am sure of the kind of person I wanted to be with. I have figured and still figuring out. Surprisingly, I didn't expect things would turn out upside down. But i understand. I just wanted to hurry. I want everything to be ready not for me. Funny.
22 February 2016 @ 03:40 pm
"Viva La Vida"

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listened as the crowd would sing
Now the old king is dead long live the king
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you'd gone there was never
Never an honest word
And that was when I ruled the world

It was a wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become
Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know St Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

Oh oh oh oh ohh oh

Hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing
Roman cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror, my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know St Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

Feeling so much better now. I just don't know why I'm so spiteful in a pocketful vague reasons.
19 February 2016 @ 09:49 pm
I just wanna scream.
Mood: tiredtired
09 February 2016 @ 07:42 pm
I don't get it why so many people love meddling with other people's lives. Most of the times they were the ones who fed you, gave you something valuable, spent a very worthy time of their lives, for you to know that they cared for you; that you meant something. For you to go to the "right" path, for you to be careful and follow the "light". For you to be well mannered and much more better than them, for you to be wealthier, healthier, happier?

I wanted to scream at you. You actually don't have a bit of idea about what's going on in my life. But since you're "thoughtful" and "caring", it gives me a bit of a conscience to stop myself from doing it. Oh yeah, where are my manners? I could have been almost perfect had I followed your directions. You only wish the best. I don't actually think you care. I actually don't care. I don't give a damn if you're feeling awful about me. I don't even wanna reply to you. It will make me disrespectful and ungrateful. So what? But I cared about some people, I don't want them to be implicated by these rueful feelings of mine.

I want you to know that things are not what you think they are. There are facts that have been branded with half truth stories. There are things that are better than rights. There are hardships that can't be achieved your way. I must find my own way of strife and suffering. Successful or not, I can say I have lived a life. And that's something I had handled using my own hands. You may think I'm drowning with self conscientiousness, lavishly wasting my life in something that would swirl me downwards, to the pit of darkness where I will look pitiful and distress. Where selfishness and immaturity embrace each other and lock me up. So what? I will do that if I have to. I will do that because I decided to do it. I will, for dear life, engulf myself because I am happy and content by this. I will cry and laugh. I might go crazy as well. But I will. Because I can. Because I choose to. And that gives me meaning. That tingles my heart in ways you can't imagine. That gives me hope and life that you can't have.

I would not tell you anything anymore. I don't want you in my life. I don't want you dictating and feel like I owe a big part of my life to you. I want you to be a cat. Someone who doesn't care if I eat or not, if I live or die. And no I'm not angry at you. You just wanted the best for everything. But I hate your self righteousness, your words that know it all and judgemental elucidation. Maybe I should hate myself as well. For feeling this way. For being like this here. The hell I care. All I know is that I made it clear that I don't want to be a part of your life. And that I will make my own, my own way.
20 November 2015 @ 10:23 pm
Inspiration comes in different forms. It can come from a tv show, a song, a beautiful art, the way the leaves swirl, when the dawn comes down, changes in the color of the sky, a kid smiling at something, the list goes on and on. But you already know that, don't you. The only thing we keep forgetting is the feeling. It doesn't last for too long. The things you know you could do. You could've written them down but you got distracted. You allowed others to mess up your mind. You could've done it but you hesitated. You did not take the risk. You are too afraid to fail, to embarrass yourself, to jump into unknown. We allowed these things to surface our belief.

We could've believed in ourselves.

We swallowed those excuses like we're not already full of those.

It's logical. We have to move on to our everyday activities. We do not have much time to do those things we could've loved more simply because it's not our routine. It's out of routine. It's unique. That's what makes it hard. It doesn't pay us- doesn't give us food or clothing. It can even cost us. But isn't it what makes it special? It doesn't know limitations. How could it?

I cannot keep it up. I keep breaking those plans and relentless in shattering my dreams. It's sad how fleeting it can be. But when you choose to immerse in it, when you choose to believe and let the rhythm take you away, it tingles in a very different kind of way. Suddenly the world feels right. It feels safe and calm. Serene.

We are not to care about the world and how it can benefit by what we're doing. We can be selfish when we dream. As long as it doesn't harm or destroy others. This is the only way to keep ourselves true.

Short note: I already started as a subject matter expert. The position itself puts a heavy weight on me even before I started.
26 September 2015 @ 04:57 pm
My previous application was a failure. It was actually fine, it's just I wouldn't have gotten any feedback if I myself did not inquire about it. But I have accepted that it can happen in any kind of job applications. I just set my expectations a little bit high. I think it's also fitting I didn't go for it. Like I said in the previous post I didn't even know what they do, and I don't think I'm adequate for it.

Too many things happened after that. I met a professional break dancer, an actor, the director of our company and his boss, and I have a pending application as a subject matter expert. I am also not expecting too much high about getting selected, we had a mock interview(that I didn't even know existed) and I was a mess. I was actually disappointed in myself. My team leader and one of the assistant contact managers even tiraded me with questions I couldn't answer properly. All I could hope for is that I'd not appear jumpy and cringe during the final interview this coming tuesday. Sigh.

Anyway, Jon and I watched "Heneral Luna" the other day. He encouraged me to, because he knows I'm not that fond of watching filipino movies in the cinemas. I told him it should be real good, and that the next time I asked for a movie to watch he must comply(he doesn't wanna watch the Scorch Trials haha). AND we got satiated. Though I almost cried in anger and disappointment in the ending. I have not thought much about the Philippine history in that kind of point of view when I was a student. Too many dissimulations have been thrown back and forth in the pages and on people's minds. Betrayal, greed, not leashing the latch from your comfort zone, not fighting for freedom, too scared to die for the nation, the list goes on and on. The saddest part is that it still lives on and it's like it can never be stopped. How far can one go for patriotism? What is really good for the greater? I feel like a paralysed useless person not being able to make/do anything to help my own country. It's like exactly sitting in the theatre seats watching Antonio Luna die. And no justice even coming. Another sigh. There's only one person we hoped to change the lives of the Filipino people, and he himself turned it down, saying “I’ll be wasting my time d’yan. Even if you elect me tomorrow I will be wasting my time and I cannot promise you anything.” He was just being transparent, but wouldn't it hurt to try? How old/risky can you be to change something? Jon's out there right now participating in the Luneta march hoping to tingle that person's mind to make him run this 2016. I got him fired up when I said that person wouldn't change his mind any longer. But he pushed for it in whatever reason.

I'm thinking of what to do next.. I guess I'd take a cup of coffee with it.